


Return Stroke

by kyungshio



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-07-27 02:45:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,239
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7600429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyungshio/pseuds/kyungshio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Do Kyungsoo is the silver streak amidst his grays and blues. Or alternatively, the story of how Kim Jongin falls in love and how he grows along the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Return Stroke

 

Do Kyungsoo is more than just a spark. He is an electric charge which connected, proliferated and bloomed to life like braids of moments strewn across the skyline—a blinding bolt of disturbance to Kim Jongin’s relatively peaceful existence.

 

It starts when sixteen-year old Jongin meets seventeen-year old Kyungsoo. Jongin is three years into his training already when huge eyes, huge lips, and small face enter the training room--he looks scary, is what Jongin thinks.

 

Somewhere along their training life, Jongin wakes up one night with his head comfortably cushioned against the shoulder of a sleeping Kyungsoo and it is a breathtaking view that stays with him through the years.

 

* * *

 

_Two years._

 

They bump into each other during practices and Kyungsoo, with sweat soaking through the fabric of his black shirt, grins at him with a mumbled apology— eyes crinkling to little crescents for a moment while Jongin is always left staring a second too long until he catches himself short of breath and heart somersaulting, not from dancing for hours but for something a little more unfamiliar and treacherous.

 

It is unfair really, how Kyungsoo is still able to smile his heart-shaped smiles and manages to get away with it like he did not just almost sprained his ankles in their dance rehearsal earlier. It is terribly unfair how Kyungsoo beams at him when Jongin flies across the stage when he turns around. He almost misses a step and Jongin mentally berates himself for being blinded by Kyungsoo’s smile but he cannot quite bring himself to look away as they dance. Jongin smiles back and carries the same smile until they finally go to bed.

 

He does not know what it is. No, not quite. Because Jongin is still stuck in the shoreline and at times, he wants to let go. To let the waves pull him away for him to descend and drown beneath the abyss of the unknown. But waves move to and fro and before he knows it, he’s already washed ashore, thrown back a little too far; reeled back into the reality of circumstances.

 

It gets tiring— not the kind that soaks through the marrow but the kind that wears one’s soul down—how Jongin is so scared of losing himself; of losing Kai whom he so delicately built over the past few years. He clings to Kai, afraid of having him taken away by the myriad of daunting and mocking voices in his dreams. Jongin dreams of eyes that send sharp, painful stabs and then he is transported to a void of darkness, engulfing him whole. He wakes up with his blanket sticking to his back from cold sweat and his vision blurred.

 

He looks to his right, down to the bed beside him and sees the silhouette of Kyungsoo and Jongin feels so oddly comforted that the panic and worry does not quite go away. He wakes up to a sleeping Kyungsoo, the moonlight painting and curving around Kyungsoo’s small figure. Sometimes, when Jongin is being silly— and if he’s being honest with himself—he thinks Kyungsoo _is_ the moon, his beacon of light. And then, he laughs for so long he does not quite notice the salty tears carving trails through his cheeks and he does not try to stop it. He curls into a foetal position hoping for something to happen; for the terrifying and the inevitable to stop. And Jongin keeps it all squeezed in beneath the cracks in the ceiling surreptitiously.

 

He keeps himself anchored in the fringes.

 

* * *

 

Except life is a bitch.

 

Realization is not as groundbreaking and magical as the movies have made it seem to be. They are all tired; skin breaking out, eyes bloodshot, and voices hoarse after a long hour of practice. They are riding the bus to their dorm when Jongin looks to his far right and sees Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo and his huge dark eyes that sends him comforting eye smiles whenever he fucks up his parts in their recording sessions.

 

Kyungsoo and his warm hugs when Jongin cries late at night when he misses his mother that the elder ends up buying him a box of fried chicken even when they are supposed to be on a diet. (They won’t know, Kyungsoo tells him reassuringly then proceeds to ruffle his hair.)

 

Kyungsoo and his constellation of acne scars that litter his cheeks. Jongin follows the patterns of stress along his jawline and he can see angry shades of red but he still thinks Kyungsoo is breathtaking and so perfectly imperfect.

 

Jongin’s heart clenches and just like that, he falls.

 

* * *

 

Jongin initially decided that he did not like Kyungsoo until he had heard the other sing. It was stupid and Baekhyun chided  him for being so distant to the elder, even avoiding having lunch with Kyungsoo.

 

“He’s going to be in the group. It won’t help to have any awkwardness in the dynamics,” Baekhyun told him.

 

Jongin found himself standing behind the door of one of the training rooms, listening to a soft, euphonious voice which spreads like ripples on water and each note hit Jongin’s body-- the lower notes settling at the navel which vibrated with different emotions.

 

Kyungsoo had been seated on the floor, back against a mirror, and there was something absolutely mesmerizing in the way his brows were furrowed in concentration as he tried to reach notes that Jongdae managed so effortlessly. His voice had cracked for the third time and his face was scrunched in disappointment. Kyungsoo looked up and spotted him behind the door, and threw him a small smile. Jongin smiled back.

 

“He’s not so bad after all,” he told Baekhyun later.

 

* * *

 

“Dance for me?” Kyungsoo tells him one day.

 

“Why?”

 

“I need to practice for the concert. I figured I need to get the feel of the actual performance.”

 

“Are you sure? Your voice is already hoarse, you know,” he says.

 

“Nonsense. I’m starting now.” And so Kyungsoo does.

 

He starts off anxiously, just like how he always does— afraid that his voice might crack or that he might not hit the right notes. Kyungsoo had told him so on a windy night, just after their vocal rehearsals.

 

“I’m never going to get the major parts. I can’t hit the notes like Jongdae does and I would have to beat Baekhyun’s voice which is practically impossible.”

 

Jongin remembers being confused, because he does not see anything wrong with the timbre of his hyung’s voice. He likes the way how Kyungsoo would glide through their songs with a different kind of smoothness and depth that the other two main singers do not have.

 

“You’re a dancer so, you wouldn’t understand,” Kyungsoo told him.

 

“I like your voice anyway.” And just like that, a small grin and a blush painted Kyungsoo’s face and everything is okay.

 

Jongin loses himself just a little bit more and fleets across the floor, followed by Kyungsoo’s mellifluous voice which curls around his body and then slips through his fingers— this, they have always done before, practicing with each other until they are panting from exhaustion. After practice, they would always go straight to their dorms and wordlessly sleep in their respective beds.

 

This time is different.

 

They are both waiting at the bus station when Jongin says something he should not have.

 

“I like you, hyung,” he whispers.

 

“I like you too, Jongin. A lot,” Kyungsoo replies, giggling. It is practiced and Jongin’s heart sinks.

 

Jongin has always found it funny when Kyungsoo tries to answer with his giggles— always smiling silently in the corner when Chanyeol and Baekhyun causes a ruckus on broadcast, often picked out for being too silent and not-variety ready. It is how Kyungsoo escapes.

 

“You taught me things I never knew I could be in love with,” Jongin presses, intending to get a reaction out of the older boy.

 

“I always thought you were after my body,” Kyungsoo quips, his eyes way up to the dark sky. Jongin only laughs in return. It is hollow.

 

Jongin never expected anything out of the sudden confession. He did, however, expect his heart to get broken. The bus arrives and Kyungsoo bumps him with his shoulder.

 

“I forgot to tell you that I’m going home to get some clothes. I’ll see you in the dorm,” the elder announces. Kyungsoo ruffles Jongin’s hair before leaning and kissing Jongin on his cheeks.

 

Lightning-kissed spots are places of worship, honor, and reverence, his father had once told him. These are places where the lightning had touched the ground-- point-of-contact which signifies a connection with unfathomable power. Jongin feels just like that: electrified and blessed and struck with great love and admiration when Kyungsoo’s lips touches his cheeks. It is unadulterated and laced with regret and apology and Jongin accepts them all.

 

Kyungsoo walks away, throwing him a smile, the one that he always uses on broadcast, as he boards the bus.

 

There he goes, escaping again.

 

* * *

 

It comes as an unexpected and painful hook to the gut when news breaks out that Kris had filed a lawsuit against the management with Luhan following suit a few weeks later. Nobody knows why.

 

Out of all of them, it is dear Zitao who feels betrayed the most.

 

“Gege promised,” Zitao chokes out in between sobs. They are drunk in their dorm and Sehun is rubbing the younger’s back consolingly while Jongdae half hugs Zitao. It is wonderful what a hug and fourteen bottles of beers can do to troubled spirits.

 

“I will never--” _leave,_ Zitao wants to say but words die down his throat. Instead, he throws up every pain and anger and longing and resentment that he feels as Yixing holds him up from collapsing into the bowl, whispering comforting words in Chinese. All of them wake up with throbbing headaches and a newfound spirit.

 

Months later, Zitao tells them through the phone that he intends to leave the group. His father is pressuring him to do so, he says, voice quivering. It has always been Jongin and Zitao who cry easily whether it be from a Disney movie or from a terrible heartbreak. Jongin cries just as Zitao does and the rest of the group are silent as they try to digest everything. It is Kyungsoo who breaks the silence.

 

“It’s okay,” Kyungsoo says, barely a whisper. “It’s okay, Zitao.”

 

People change and life goes on.

 

* * *

 

_Four years and Jongin still keeps it to himself._

 

He has learned how to conceal the erratic beating of his heart by being obnoxiously loud whenever Kyungsoo talks or by looking the other way whenever he stares a little too long at Kyungsoo’s plush lips.

 

“You can’t,” he tells himself— almost like a mantra to live by.

 

It’s unfair to Kyungsoo because they are supposed to be best friends.

So he pretends that he does not see Kyungsoo talk on the phone with a dumbstruck grin on his face. He pretends he doesn’t see the blush dusting the older’s cheeks whenever he receives a text message from the girl. He ignores the sharp pain in his chest whenever he tries to pretend that he is happy for his best friend. He ignores the tears that threaten to fall from his eyes whenever he hears Kyungsoo whisper I-like-yous which will never be meant for him.

There are many things that he pretends he does not know and feel. He does, however, know that he loves Kyungsoo and he will do everything to keep their friendship from falling apart.

 

* * *

 

A few months later, Jongin and Soojung confirm to the public that they are together. Soojung is perfect; they have been friends since forever.

 

Friends. That is what Soojung tells him when she breaks up with Jongin a few years later. They are in the balcony of Soojung’s apartment and the Seoul scenery looks busy from up above. It does not look romantic. It should not be, anyway.

 

“We’re friends,” she says. “But I’m not what you want. I’m not who you want.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Jongin mumbles.

 

“Don’t be.” Soojung kisses him one last time before breaking into a small smile of pride. “I still love you just the way you are.”

 

Jongin sobs into Soojung’s shoulders the whole night.

 

* * *

 

_Eight years._

 

It is spring when Kyungsoo goes back from his enlistment.

 

Yixing is still promoting actively with as the sole Chinese member of the group while the rest of the Korean members deal with their conscription one by one. Junmyeon had finished his enlistment first and is now busy managing his own restaurant. Chanyeol and Baekhyun had gone to the military together, always connected by the hips with Chanyeol producing and writing Baekhyun’s second solo album as soon as they came out. Sehun still models here and there while Jongin acts.

 

It is funny how Jongin has recounted the image so many times yet, when Kyungsoo comes out from the gates, Jongin almost drops everything and forgets the cameras around them. So, he opts to stay with the other members while Kyungsoo half-runs to them with the same heart-shaped smile and hugs them one by one.

 

“I missed you,” is what Kyungsoo tells him and Jongin smiles.

 

“How’s Soojung?” Kyungsoo asks.

 

“We broke up amicably a year ago,” he replies nonchalantly. Kyungsoo looks shocked and regretful.

 

“You never told me that in your letters,” Kyungsoo says before Joonmyun tackles him into a hug.

 

Kyungsoo has gotten darker; milky skin gone in exchange of tanned skin with sunspots visible on his naked face. His eyes have gotten weary; hair a wee bit longer and Jongin recalls laughing at Kyungsoo when he had shaved his hair.

 

“You look like an egg.” and in a second Kyungsoo had locked his arms around Jongin’s neck. No, Kyungsoo does not look like an egg. He looked dashing even with his hair shaved off and Jongin had wanted to kiss him right then and there.

 

They went to the bubble tea place where they frequented after the hours-long practice had worn them down to the bones— the same place when they were still awkward teenagers who talked about dreaming of making it big. They talked about the silliest things, recounted the littlest details like how Chanyeol slipped, laughed, and pointed foolishly at the puddle of water on the stage in a concert in the Philippines. Or how Junmyeon came running into their dorm with his hand on his chest, looking conspicuous in his black hoodie when he told everyone that he was almost caught with his girlfriend by a reporter. They laughed how Kyungsoo messed up his lines when he was supposed to introduce the group in a music show.

 

But Jongin did not laugh when Kyungsoo had told him first that he had already made up his mind to enlist alone.

 

“Jongin,” Kyungsoo started. Jongin tried to muffle his cries and lay still with eyes shut closed. It was late and they should all be resting. Kyungsoo wrapped his arms around Jongin and whispered reassurances that he was going to be fine.

 

“I’ll write you letters,” Kyungsoo leaned over and pressed his nose against Jongin’s cheek. “And you will write back.”

 

Jongin broke into a fitful of sobs and hugged Kyungsoo tighter. Buried beneath the tears and choked sobs were Jongin’s pleads of ‘don’t go.’ He had gripped Kyungsoo’s hands until their knuckles turned white; until they fell asleep.

 

The flashes of camera break his stupor and Kyungsoo smiles and charms the crowd, just like he always does.

 

Kyungsoo is still small. His shoulders are still narrow despite his noticeably bigger arms. This is still his hyung, the same man that he fell in love with when he was 19.

 

Time has passed, things have changed.

 

But Do Kyungsoo is still the silver streak amidst his grays and blues.

 

Everything is right where it belongs.

 

* * *

 

_Thirteen years passes by in the blink of an eye._

 

What they have is beyond friendship; beyond fraternal love.

 

Jongin is more than happy when he gazes at Kyungsoo beside him, looking divine in a white suit. Jongin likes seeing him like this— smile rivaling the blinding church lights. Sunlight flows through the stained glass windows and the scene is so surreal. Ah, Jongin could love him like this forever.

 

“Thank you,” Kyungsoo whispers at him.

 

“I love you, hyung,” he whispers back as he wraps his arms around Kyungsoo.

 

“I love you too, Jongin.”

 

Jongin smiles bitterly but Kyungsoo does not see him. Instead, he sees the woman who is so stunningly dressed in an elegant white gown as she walks down the aisle. She slips her arm into the crook of Kyungsoo’s and beams at Jongin.

 

“Take care of hyung. He hates a messy kitchen,” he quips insipidly and Jongin eyes them as they make their way into the altar.

 

Seeing Kyungsoo get married is not as painful as he imagined it to be. No, not as excruciating as the night he confessed his love to Kyungsoo.

 

Words fly past his ears and all Jongin sees is Kyungsoo.

 

Kyungsoo singing.

 

Kyungsoo kissing _her_.

 

It is not as painful anymore if he sees his hyung happy. Or so he believes. Kyungsoo has already made his choice and it was not him.

 

“I’ll be okay,” he thinks as he walks away.

 

* * *

 

_Fifteen years._

Jongin stands in front of a galaxy of silver lightsticks and ear-splitting screams of fans. It is their last concert before they announce their long hiatus. They are not breaking up but they are older now; there are fresher, newer meats in the industry to take their place. Their China stop is a lot more crowded and fuller than expected. Yixing has managed to solidify their fan base through his personal activities.

 

“It’s for the team,” Yixing always says. He has always been an angel like that.

 

Jongin revels in the ocean of light and the chants of their name. It might be the last time that he will ever hear this before they step ultimately step down and fade into the background.

 

In retrospect, it had been like holding a tiny trinket in your fist, deathly afraid of dropping it without seeing that there is a huge trove of real treasures right in front of you, if only you had the courage to step closer. He looks at Kyungsoo beside him and his heart clenches in his ribcage. It hurts a bit and but this is important and has to be done.

 

Jongin is finally ready to let Kai go. He had been frightened before. Uncertainty does that to everyone. But now, the prospect of not being Kai, the danseur is no longer quite the horror that it used to be. Jongin knows that if he loses his trinket — well, maybe that is not the end of life but the beginning of a new chapter.

 

He kisses Kyungsoo in the cheek in the middle of their last song which drives the fans crazy..The members laugh at him for being so spontaneous. It is bittersweet and it is the perfect gesture to say what he wants.

 

_I love you now and I will love you ten, twenty years after._

 

* * *

 

Twenty years.

 

Spring is near and the members decided to meet up with the exception of Sehun who is currently shooting a drama. He has been casted as the father of a budding female lead. The members who have married had brought their wives and their children with them. Joonmyun, Minseok, and Yixing all look happy with their families huddled together in a cottage.

 

“They grow up so fast,” Jongdae remarks beside him.

 

“Your comment makes me feel old,” Jongin says. “Which makes me wonder, when is your anniversary wedding again?”

 

“Ah, that. Four months from now,” Jongdae replies, smiling widely. The corners of his mouth still go up despite the wrinkles around his lips. “And you? Do you... plan to marry?"

 

Jongin settles his hands on his knees and looks away from Jongdae.

 

“Ah, still waiting,” Jongdae says pitifully.

 

“No, not waiting. I just don’t think I will ever...” Jongin trails off.  Jongdae's expression morphs into a smile with a mixture of pride and understanding. Jongdae knows and still accepted Jongin despite everything and Jongin is forever grateful for that. They say that people like Jongin have only two options: to get married to a girl and build a family or live a quiet life in isolation. Jongin has already made his choice a long time ago.

 

“Hey,” a familiar voice makes itself known from behind the bench.

 

"Hey. I didn't think you'd show up," Jongdae says then stands up, offering Kyungsoo a seat.

 

Kyungsoo plops down next to him on the bench. "Sorry, I had a meeting with the lawyers regarding the annulment."

 

"Oh, that’s today?” Jongdae asks and Kyungsoo nods in response.

 

“Well, Chanyeol and Baekhyun are calling for me, I think they need another person to make fun of,” he adds then runs off to the two men.

 

“Where’s my son?” Kyungsoo asks Jongin.

 

“Jaeyoon’s playing with Joonmyun’s kids,” He answers pointing to where the married members are currently huddled. Jaeyoon notices them and waves at his father, chubby arms flailing wildly in the air. Kyungsoo beams at him and waves back.

 

“Thanks for bringing him here,” Kyungsoo mutters. “Jaeyoon’s been learning how to play computer games, you know? He also started getting voice lessons and he’s a natural.”

 

“Even better than you?” Jongin asks jokingly. Laughter fills them that soon fades into silence. It is comfortable, one that always envelopes them when they are together. They have never been good with words anyway.

 

"I missed everyone," he comments moments later.

 

“Hyung, we see each other all the time,” Jongin jests.

 

“I know that, idiot,” Kyungsoo retorts.

 

“What I meant was... this,” Kyungsoo waves his hands around. “Baekhyun playing around with Chanyeol and Jongdae. Yixing hyung, Junmyeon hyung, and Minseok hyung laughing at them--”

 

“You mean, being young?” Jongin quips and laughs at his own joke.

 

“I missed us, Jongin,” Kyungsoo adds silently which stills Jongin.

 

“I don’t--”

 

“I loved you, too, Jongin,” Kyungsoo starts. “I still do. You know that, don’t you?”

 

Jongin inhales sharply and tries to take in Kyungsoo’s appearance. There are evident lines of wrinkles beside his eyes and there are dark circles under them too from the stress of the ongoing annulment case (Kyungsoo had called Jongin first regarding his decision to break things off). His lips have also gotten less fuller; this, from aging. They are over forty years old now, nearing their fifties, and their appearances have changed with time but Jongin still deems his hyung perfect in his eyes.

 

Jongin could only mumble a “maybe” in reply and Kyungsoo hums back. “Yeah,” Jongin clarifies a moment later. He does not remember when exactly it had dawned on him that Kyungsoo loves him back--as a friend, as a brother, as a lover. They have always tried to run away from their feelings, constantly pushing and pulling, until they both had snapped and broken.

 

Now is the time to stop and reconcile.

 

“But what we have is out of the question,” Kyungsoo says and Jongin looks down at his own hands before looking back at Kyungsoo’s face.

 

“I’ve loved you for years,” Jongin answers.

 

There is a dull ache in his chest. If this was Jongin twenty years ago, he would have shouted at Kyungsoo and broken down. Twenty-year old Jongin would have cursed him to the heavens and drink his feelings away until he retches into the bowl just like what dear Zitao did.  Jongin would have punched him in the face and maybe ask him to run away after.

 

But, through the years, Jongin has learned to accept the consequences of his decisions and his unfortunate luck to be living in a judgemental society. He has learned that love need not be a raging storm of overflowing passion, desire, and lust. It can be something akin to a lovely drizzle in a lazy Sunday morning— comforting and calming with the constant pitter-patter of rain.

 

“But I will never ever stop loving you even if we can’t be together,” Jongin says.

 

“When I was younger, I used to think that I had to choose between being Kai and having you. But I have come to realize that I will live and I can be happy even if I don't have both. Love, after all, does not demand anything in return,” he continues, looking at Kyungsoo in the eye. Their chance has long passed and gone--this, they both recognize.

 

Jongin moves closer and wraps his arms around Kyungsoo which startles the older. Kyungsoo inhales sharply and Jongin can feel him stiffen in his embrace. It is a beat later when Kyungsoo relaxes and giggles then, proceeds to envelope the younger with his own arms. Jongin breathes in Kyungsoo’s scent and he smiles because Kyungsoo still smells the same. They entangle and both of them grin at each other.

 

“Jaeyoon looks just like you,” Jongin says, breaking the comfortable silence.

 

“He does, doesn’t he?” Kyungsoo replies. “I just hope he doesn’t grow up to be a coward just like his father is.”

 

“He won’t.” Jongin only beams at him. He leans across the bench, holds out his hand to Kyungsoo. “Because his father isn’t one.”

 

Kyungsoo looks at it, then up at Jongin before slowly accepting it.

 

“He won’t.” Kyungsoo believes him.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> This had been emotionally draining to write. I started writing this in 2014 but I kept deleting and adding things; it had been especially difficult because this is sort of my headcanon of Kaisoo. I cried so many times in the span of the two years of trying to finish this story. If you have any questions regarding the ending or their characters, leave them in the comments section below or you can tweet me @goyangsoo. 
> 
> I would like to thank my dear friend and beta, Thea, for being patient with me. I would also like to greet my spirit person, Chelsea a very happy birthday. I hope you're having a grand day.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this story. Thank you!


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